The shaky tree

Remember the previous post?

I did text him that.

And he kept trying to persuade me to continue seeing him.

For three consecutive days.

But he never told me anything about what he feels about me.

He only demanded for an explanation on why I do not want to see him anymore,and persuaded me not to do so.

He managed to.

I am weak. :(

While he was trying to persuade me,I actually am the one who had to ask him what he felt/feels about me. Is he that ignorant or what?

And the worst thing is probably when he asked why?

I mean WHYYYY?

WHY WOULD ANYBODY ASK WHY?

AND HE DIDNT EVEN RESPONDED ON THE FACT I TOLD HIM I HAD FEELINGS FOR HIM.

I mean,say something.reject me or something.say you dont like me or something.but dont just say nothing about it or avoiding the topic and just simply ask me to stay with you.

How am I supposed to stay being with you if you dont care enough to say something?

I asked him what he felt about me,after three days,and he said,'honestly im starting to love you.' Which is not convincing at all.

IT IS NOT CONVINCING.

I DONT BELIEVE HIM.

I still think he only wants me to stay with him because he's lonely,and I am an option.

But at the end I decided to continue whatever we had.

cos deep down I hope what he said it's true.

I know. I am so stupid when it comes to guys. :(

We are still contacting each other.But we never had  that DTR talk.

DEFINE THE RELATIONSHIP TALK.

Which is obviously the biggest evidence that he doesnt care,and he doesnt like me/love me.

:'(

I know you don't have feelings for me.

I know the only reason why we are even friends are because you feel lonely,you need company,and you need that satisfaction.

I know,I just know.

And now i'm regretting meeting you.

If only I could turn back time.

I would. so that I won't feel hurt like what I'm feeling right now.

I have feelings for you,but I can't tell cos I know you don't feel the same way.

If you like me,you would have told me by now,right?

It's okay.

I'm trying to move on.

But it's really hard to do if we are still hanging out with each other.

I wish I have the courage to text you this.

" I realised that I'm starting to have feelings for you. And I know you don't feel the same way.I know you only think of me as a friend.You don't have to say anything. I know. It's okay.It's completely understandable. And that's why I don't think we should meet anymore. I need to forget you,and move on. I wish you all the best in life. "

Storm

Well there is a storm inside me right now.

I feel so depressed.

I feel so sad.

I feel really really terrible.

I feel unwanted. Undesired. Unneeded.

Everything was fine.

Until recently. Since a few days ago.

When i admitted to him that I miss him.

Is that the reason why  everything suddenly changed ?

He was always the one who initiate the text or the call. he never failed to do so every single day. For more than two months.

Until...
 recently.

We are not a couple.No we are not.

We are just friends.

And i am so used to the attention he showered me with,that I feel like something is missing these few days.And i think I have started to have feelings for him.Even before I told him I miss him.but of course I didn't tell him that I think I have feelings for him.I don't wanna freak him out.Apparently,saying 'I miss you' is enough to make him stay away.

I miss him so badly.

But i guess he doesn't care.

I am not going to text him.I don't want to be seen as clingy.or terhegeh-hegeh.or overly attached.

So I'm just gonna sit right here,vent everything out,and pretend that I am okay.

And I probably should move on too.

I will wait for week,and if he still isn't contacting me.Then i guess I would just have to let go.And take it as a sign that he doesn't need me anymore. Not even as a friend.

I hate feelings.I really do.

I don't want to fall in love ,ever. If this what it feels like.